“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
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I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!