Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
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Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Catercrombie & Fish
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.