‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.