one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
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Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.