You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
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I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.