me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
You Might Also Like
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
this has to be peak English
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
quarantine day 3
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores