“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
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Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.