SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
You Might Also Like
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.