arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
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odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
beware of dog
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter