DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
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I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.