When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
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Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
very niche meme I made
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays