If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
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Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
🙄😏😂🤣
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.