Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
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That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there