What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
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whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
do horses think humans are hats
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Finished stitching this today 😇
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
you have three unread messages
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.