Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
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When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
dream blunt rotation
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.