Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
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Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?