girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
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Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
want me to check your oil?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything