Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
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Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Reporter: *ports again*
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.