PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
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me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.