Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
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I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants