Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
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Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.