A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
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Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!