A bad analogy is like a cucumber
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When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Overindulged this afternoon.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?