I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
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[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.