Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
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Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
(by @ZachWeiner )
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.