*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
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When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
peak technology
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too