[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
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No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it