Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
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There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!