I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
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Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things