*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
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Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that