Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
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Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?