Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
You Might Also Like
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.