Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
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My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn鈥檛 haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
No wonder chickens can鈥檛 fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 馃槀馃ぃ
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I鈥檓 taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me: I鈥檇 kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE鈥橲 A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL