[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
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We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings