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I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
🤣
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers