From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
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Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*