Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
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Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.