My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
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when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family