Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.