Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
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Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently