me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
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I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.