Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
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One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
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I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…