At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
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Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
A friend sent me this.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Meanwhile in Canada…