It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
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Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away