[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
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My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway