Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
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One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.