My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
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Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I know karate and tons of other words.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind