[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
You Might Also Like
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.