Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed