These fireworks are awesome! High four!
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I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
They’re the worst 😩
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Saturday